Wisdom > Obedience
Parenting with the right aims in mind
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I have this tongue-in-cheek expression I use every now and then, “Rules/procedures are for people who don’t know what to do.” Like all other rules, this one is not hard and fast. There are times where rules should be followed and other times where they are good suggestions for the inexperienced among us. It takes wisdom to know the difference. Two examples:
As you may know, I’ve been working delivering for Amazon since September. We got one day of training on a computer. Here we were told all the procedures and expectations for us as we prepare to go out, while we’re on the road, and upon returning. They served me well for the first few weeks. Now, I do mostly what I want. There are some rules I definitely follow (especially the ones that effect my bonus), but others that just get in the way, slow me down, and don’t have much of practical purpose.
At my former church, we introduced a check-in system for our children’s ministry. Parents check in their kids and a sticker is provided for both child and parent with a code that connects the two. When a parent comes to pick up their kid, they show their sticker code and the teacher checks to make sure it matches the child and, assuming it does, the kid can be released to their proper parent. This was the rule/procedure. A good one. I think the statute of limitation has expired, so I’ll tell you a secret: when I would fill in the nursery or other classrooms, I wouldn’t check unless I didn’t know the parent.
Why? Because rules are for people who don’t know what to do.
See, before there were Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, or other personality tests I was taking spiritual gift tests in youth group and/or my Christian high school. I’ve always scored high on Wisdom and Discretion.1 So, I guess you could say that knowing when to break rules is my spiritual gift.
Taylor Swift, Boy Meets World, and Raising Kids
All of this came to mind as I stumbled upon some conservative Christians complaining about Taylor Swift’s latest album on the internet. Apparently she’s a witch who is mocking Christianity and leading our kids to hell! If your kids are listening to Taylor Swift, so I’ve heard, you’ve got to do everything you can to stop them!
While I think a lot of this outrage is entirely unserious and either consciously or subconsciously being used to get clicks and engagement, those levying it are so close to having a point.
I’ve mentioned in a previous post that Boy Meets World was my favorite TV show growing up. It’s been fun introducing it to my daughters. All three have watched the first season (multiple times) and our oldest has watched season two (and even with that we skipped the first two episodes). The reason is because there’s subject matter that’s too mature for her right now (and obviously for the younger two as well).
When it comes to T-Swift, I think there’s a group of people who remember a 16-year-old girl writing catchy, country-adjacent pop songs and think she should stay that way forever. Safe. But she’s now a 34-year-old woman navigating the world, looking for love, reconsidering her faith, and a bunch of other stuff that comes with adulthood. It’s not all going to be for your kids!
Season 1 of BMW is funny, innocent and leaves you with a nice little life lesson after 22 minutes. It could have stayed that way, but instead it grew as the kids grew. The nature of the show matured. This is natural. Just because my 11-year-old can watch S1 doesn’t mean that she’s ready for the 5th season. It takes wisdom and discretion to know. It takes work on my end. This is what I’m here for though, isn’t?
What Are We Aiming For?
Inasmuch as the concern over “our kids” listening to Taylor Swift is being made in good faith, I think it misunderstands what we should be after. There has always been music, among a myriad of other things, that is accessible to our kids that we would rather them avoid. But what are we aiming for? Do we want to simply keep our kids safe? Turn them into obedient little automatons? OR do we want to raise adults who are able to interact with a diverse world with wisdom?
Back in my youth pastor days, I led a small group of parents through a book called More Than Just the Talk: Becoming Your Kid’s Go-To Person About Sex by Jonathan McKee. It’s a really good book and among other tidbits, McKee shares that one of the overarching goals he and his wife had in raising their kids was to have no rules for them halfway through their senior year of high school. His rationale was by the time they graduate they’ll be 18 and free to legally leave the house and never return. Even if that doesn’t happen, they may be going off to college in a few short months where they will out from under your rules. Are they prepared to make wise decisions with this new freedom? This approach gives them roughly 6 months of complete freedom while still under your roof. They are able to make mistakes while you’re still there to help them recover and think through their decisions and the subsequent repercussions.
Whether you love that idea or think it’s a bridge too far, the concept is worth considering. Plenty of parents consciously or subconsciously parent in a way that views shielding and protecting as the ultimate end. Jonathan McKee’s approach recognizes the impossibility to do that perfectly or forever and therefore sets you and your kids up for success. If all your kids leave your home knowing is how to follow the rules, they’ll struggle in many of life’s gray areas.
I absolutely do not consider myself an expert on any of this. There are plenty of things I already wish I could do differently with three girls and sure many more to come. But I do seek to make wisdom not obedience, safety, or protection my main goal in parenting.
What do you think? What are some ways parents/guardians/caregivers can center wisdom over obedience, safety, or protection?
Unfortunately, the tests always said that one weakness of these gifts was that it’s much easier for the possessor of them is able to apply them to other people’s lives and decisions much easier than their own. My life can attest.